Glinda

When I was a little girl, I conjured all of the same fairy-princess fantasies of girls my age nearly everywhere in North America. I wanted to live in an ivory tower, with servants and ladies-in-waiting, and grand balls and feasts and the whole shebang. That fantasy was prominent until I saw the Wizard of Oz for the first time. Glinda, the Good Witch of the North rocked my world to the very core. I learned that not all witches were bad, that fairy-princesses could have magical powers, and that a magic wand was a much better accessory than a tiara. I decided to trade in the glass slippers for super powers instead.

Over the years, I’ve had many variations on the magic wand – plastic ones with colorful ribbons, natural ones fashioned from twigs and feathers, delicate glass and crystal ones (during my brief romance with Wicca). I no longer fancy myself fairy-princess material, but I’ve always kept at least one wand in my possession, in case there was something really mint that I wanted to wish for.

I’ve come to realize that there is only one magic wand that can make dreams come true.

The Hitachi Magic Wand is the greatest vibrator ever invented. It was originally introduced in the seventies as a personal massage tool. I have to believe that was truly the intended use, but somehow, somewhere along the way someone discovered that it delivers a truly powerhouse genital massage, and history was made.

The Wand is innocuous enough. As you can see below, it looks like a legitimate massage tool, or like a hand-blender. It plugs into an outlet, and has two speed settings: Holy Crap and OH MY GOD. This toy delivers intense vibes. So intense is the power behind this wand that masturbation gurus like the amazing Betty Dodson recommend that you add a protective cushion between your clitoris and the head of the Wand when you are first experimenting. A folded up face cloth does the trick, and you can work your way up to fewer folds between the wand and your vulva as you get used to the sensation. I’ve also read that a clean cotton sock does the trick.

The Hitachi Magic Wand became so popular as a masturbation tool that attachments were invented to heighten the experience. Silicone attachments that look like Gonzo from the Muppet Show are designed to pop over the round head of the Wand to stimulate the G-spot. They do the trick, but the Wand is also amazing on its own.

Some women have complained about the intensity of the Wand, and there are now speed-control attachments available. Imagine a dimmer switch into which you can plug the wand to vary the speed.

The Wand is a bit cumbersome, so it’s tricky for travel (though I will personally leave great shoes behind to make room in my suitcase for this bad boy). It’s also ridiculously loud. You’ll need background music if you have roommates, and whatever you do, don’t put it on the floor while it’s on if you’re trying to be discreet. It sounds like a crop duster.

Every girl should have a Hitachi Magic Wand. It guarantees that when the clock strikes midnight and your would-be prince turns into a pumpkin, you’ll still get the happily-ever-after ending you deserve. All great massages should end that way.

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